10 things to say to someone who has been bereaved – by Bill Webster
1. I am so sorry for your loss.
2. I wish I had the right words, just know I care.
3. I don’t know how you feel, but I am here to help in any way I can.
4. You and your loved one will be in my thoughts and prayers.
5. My favourite memory of your loved one is…
6. I am always just a phone call away.
7. Give a hug instead of saying something.
8. We all need help at times like this, I am here for you.
9. I am usually up early or late, if you need anything.
10. Saying nothing, just be with the person.
Practical support you can offer
Keep in contact
Make a special effort to keep in contact after the funeral. Visits and telephone calls are helpful. Loss can make someone feel very lonely.
Be a good listener
Let the bereaved person talk about what they want. Allow them to talk about the person who has died and listen attentively. Don’t worry if the conversation leads to either or both of you crying, this is perfectly natural and normal. You may find the person who is bereaved repeats their stories, it is important to allow them to do this, and continue to listen attentively.
Don’t make assumptions
All bereavements are different and people mourn their loss in their own way. Don’t make assumptions as to how they will be feeling. Avoid saying, ‘I know how you feel’. Encourage them to express their own feelings – whatever they are – they may be worried, angry, feeling guilty or even relieved. Try to understand their feelings and do not judge.
Offer practial help
Bereaved people often feel isolated and miss the warmth of human contact. It may help to hold their hand, put your arm around them or simply place a hand on their shoulder or elbow. Obviously use your discretion, it may not be appropriate for all people, but touch can be a very effective way of affirming friendship and letting them know you’re there for them.
Professional help
If necessary refer to professionals for bereavement support. If you notice a serious problem developing – e.g. over use of alcohol or drugs, serious self-neglect, malnutrition, total inertia or violent mood swings – you could express your concerns to their doctor or, if they belong to a religious group, their minister or priest. They will listen and may be able to help in a way that you cannot. You may feel it appropriate to ask for their permission first, especially to contact their doctor, but remember that they have a duty of confidentiality to the bereaved person.
At a Loss– containing a useful video and a question and answer section
Marie Curie– containing useful videos, information and links to external websites
Cruse Bereavement Care– advice on what to say to people who are bereaved as well as further internal resources
Allow plenty of time
Grieving is a process which changes over the weeks, months and years, but your support will still be valuable. Anniversaries such as birthdays, a wedding anniversary, Christmas and the anniversary of the death are particularly difficult and it will help if you are aware of these events.
Writing a letter of condolence
The bereaved gain comfort from knowing that their loved one was a part of the lives of others, so although you may feel as though you don’t know what to say, it will help them if you can put pen to paper and write a few sentences. You don’t have to write a long letter, as long as it is sincere. You should try to post it as soon as possible after the death.
Sharing memories
Sharing memories can bring both comfort and pain. Our MuchLoved tribute page can be one way to do this, or perhaps by sharing memories in a card or letter. Even if the bereaved person does not feel like they can read these memories at the time, they quite often will at a different point and will draw comfort from them.
Cooking for One
Cooking for One is a collection of recipes and stories written by the bereaved offering wisdom, insight, love and hope.
Over the years of running bereavement support groups, we have learned at Rosedale that many people who have lost a partner find it difficult to prepare meals for just one person and the importance of food and cooking can diminish. In 2019 we started to create Cooking for One and we are delighted to announce it is now available to purchase online and from the stockists featured below.
All profits from sales of the book will be donated to Cruse Bereavement Care, whose work in supporting bereaved people in Norfolk and Suffolk is invaluable.
