Death is a difficult concept for a child to understand and generally his or her experience and developmental age will dictate how much is understood.

When trying to impart information, be honest and try to explain things as simply as possible.  Death is final and irreversible and there is danger and confusion in drawing comparisons and saying such things as: “It is like sleeping.”  Generally if the child is old enough to ask a question, then that child is old enough to receive a truthful reply.

Children are often omitted, excluded and even physically removed from the family environment until after the funeral.  It is important that they be allowed to share in the mourning with the family.  Research shows that if children are allowed to participate in funeral ceremonies and view the deceased, they are better able to accept death.  However, it is likely to be harmful to coerce a child to take part in anything against their will.

Children over five years of age should be encouraged and allowed to make their own decisions.  Their feelings must be respected.  As siblings may respond differently to the same situation it is important to respect the views of each child on an individual basis.  Children are less likely to be anxious if they know what to expect.

Chapel visit – it is important to explain what the Chapel of Rest will be like, and that the deceased will be in a coffin, that the person may feel cool to the touch but will look relaxed and peaceful.  We can always arrange a preliminary visit with an adult who is close to the child and who they trust to ascertain how the deceased is presented.  We can also arrange for the child to visit an empty Chapel of Rest first to help them build up a mental image beforehand which will make the actual visit less frightening.

Funeral Service – Details of the funeral service should be talked through with the child, whether it is burial or cremation, the format of the service and the procedures at the committal.  Do tell us if we can help here – our knowledge can be very useful.  Because there are natural limits to a child’s attention span it may not be realistic to expect a young child to sit quietly through a lengthy religious service.

If you are still finding it a difficult decision to make, it may be worth bearing in mind a statement by Elizabeth Hogg, author of ‘Facing Death and Loss’:  “It is usually better to err on the side of allowing children to be part of family experiences, than to exclude them from the painful ones.  Being close to the family at a time of bereavement can be a vital source of strength.”