Bereaved children and young people

Lorna Vyse has devoted much of her life to helping bereaved children and has now written books to help support young children and teenagers. In this blog, she writes of the importance of talking about death and grief to children and young people:

When we hear about a death in our community it will affect us in some way. It may be a friend or family member, or it could be a neighbour, acquaintance, a parent at school or even a work colleague. Whatever the connection there is likely to be a ripple effect of that death and many of those impacted will be children. So why is it that bereaved children and young people are often the forgotten mourners?

As adults we try and protect children when someone dies and so conversations about serious illness, dying, death and bereavement are often held behind closed doors, in hushed voices with awkward silences, loaded with euphemisms, such as the person has “passed away” or “we’ve lost them”. These explanations, whilst always best-intentioned to soften sad news, can often lead to confusion and a lack of understanding for a child. What does ‘passed away’ mean and why don’t we just ‘find’ someone we love if they are ‘lost’? As a wider society we need to be clearer in our terminology and more open and honest with children when discussing the subject of illness and death. Such information, given with kindness and understanding, can help a child to understand normal life cycles. Death is a natural part of life, yet we often try and shield children from it.

Children have an amazing capacity to deal with the truth, even when the subject matter is challenging. If we provide them with clear, honest, age-appropriate information, e.g. about how someone has died or what to expect at a funeral, then we help them learn how to cope with their grief. So many times, I have heard adults saying that children shouldn’t attend a funeral, as they would see everyone upset – well, it won’t surprise you to know that the child may be upset too, yet being surrounded by adults who love and care for them as they grieve will be invaluable. It’s a life experience, albeit a testing one. Giving a child information and guidance about death and dying will help empower them to make their own choices about how they deal with a situation. It will help their emotional well-being and hopefully prevent longer term mental health issues. Talking about a loss is the key.

I’ve written three children’s bereavement support books and have more in the pipeline. It’s my passion to support bereaved children, young people and young adults as they come to terms with their loss and learn to live with grief. They will never forget the person who has died, but supportive adults can help them to preserve those memories or provide information about the person if the child was very young when they died. It’s about recognising the importance of the child’s life story. Books and other resources can help and that’s why I am so grateful to Rosedale for the way they actively encourage us to include children in our conversations.

So, the question to consider is this – how can you help a bereaved child in your community?